Matt Damon, Bad Breath And Hair Plugs?

Hey Matt Damon. How’s it going? I’m sitting on my couch with a neck pillow and a very swollen head. I look like Sloth from the Goonies movie.

Sloth From GooniesSince you don’t know me, I should explain. Normally, I’m very good looking. Like, really good looking. Some people actually say I kind of look like you, Matt Damon. But today, I am on day 2 of recovering from my second hair transplant. Today I look like hell. I know in a few months I will be back to looking super sexy. But for now, I’m Sloth from the Goonies.

I’ve been a long-time fan of yours, Matt Damon. Good Will Hunting was the bomb. I wish I was super smart and tough with a sordid past like your character in that movie. I would be so interesting. Instead, I’m just your average everyday Forensic Hair Scientist. My specialty? Celebrity hair loss.

You see, I started balding at a young age. I was around 18 when I first noticed a receding hairline. And since then, it’s been a crazy journey. I’ve gone from treatment to treatment and I’m finally at the end of my hair loss journey.

I just flew back from Vancouver where I had 4211 grafts carefully placed in the frontal 3rd of my head. 6 months from now, my hair will look like Brad Pitt’s. About 5 years ago I had about 3,000 grafts placed in the same area. However, not all of them grew (my fault for not choosing a better hair transplant technique). You can read about my transplant here.

Enough about me. I’m interested in you. As I mentioned I’m a Forensic Hair Scientist. You’ve been on my radar for a long time. Recently, during a roast, your good friend Sarah Silverman commented on your disgusting breath and your hair plugs.

I realize this was just a roast and not everything is true in a roast. I don’t believe you have bad breath.

Matt Damon's hair loss in 2002I do believe you had a hair transplant (hair plugs as Sarah Silverman refers to them). And I don’t blame you. When was the last time you saw a leading man lose his hair? With the exception of Jude Law (the guy has the smallest head on the planet and he’s British – he can get away with almost anything), it’s rare that an A-Lister has any hair loss.

I don’t want to argue whether or not you’ve had anything done. That won’t get us anywhere. I will say that I think you made the right move by taking action early. When celebrities wait too long to get a hair transplant, the dramatic change is very obvious. Take a look at Patrick Warburton.

Sadly, there is a stigma attached to hair transplants. Women think we are cheating. I say phooey to that. Women get all kinds of work done and when us men want to add a little hair, we get ridiculed.

My friend, I’m pleased to announce that you are invited to join the Secret Society Of Hair Hooligans. Very soon, a member of the SSHH will knock on your door, blindfold you, and then shove you into a black van where you’ll be taken to a remote beach. There, the initiation will begin.

Matt Damon's hair transplant 2011You will be asked to wear panties and take photos in strange positions. Don’t ask questions. Just do it. We may also ask you to donate one of your pubic hairs to our JICB (Just In Case Box). If something ever happens to our hair, and stem cell transplants become a reality, we can pull out one of your pubes, grow thousands more and transplant them to your head.

We will also likely dip you into the ocean similar to a baptism and rub a salve, of sorts, on your head. After completing this ritual you’ll be one of us, for life. You may also be required to reveal secrets about your celebrity friends. This isn’t standard but you’d be our second celebrity member and our first member revealed tons about you without us even asking. Of course, I cannot reveal our other celebrity member. Let’s just say his initials are NC and he’s often ‘Gone In 60 Seconds.’


Photo Credits: Everett Collection /, Joe Seer /

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1 Comment

  1. You’re a delusional narcissist bald bastard

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