Matthew McConaughey, Regenix? Really?

Matthew McConaughey you are one of the finest actors in the world. You’re a master of your craft. Acting is truly an art and I admire you for doing it so well. And while I do jest and poke fun at times, I’m being completely serious. You are the friggin’ man when it comes to acting.

It has come to my attention that your hair has done some amazing things over the past 15 years. Word on the street is that your follicles are growing like a young Dikembe Mutombo.

As if you weren’t good looking enough.

I get it. You make money, in part, from looking good. Listen, I’m no stranger to looking good. I’ve been blessed with a perfectly symmetrical face (I’m also blessed with Herculean calves. I’m not all muscular like you but my calves are pretty awesome). And when I started losing my hair, I did something about it. Having hair makes us look virile, healthy, younger, and it frames our adorable faces. I get you. It would be a disservice to society if we let our hair loss prevent us from looking so good. Honestly, I really had no choice. Being bald and having giant calves would make me look like a mailman or the Fedex guy.

Matthew McConaughey, guess what I did before I decided to get a hair transplant? Did I try Rogaine, Propecia? Yes, of course. Who hasn’t? Am I right? Here’s a little list of things I’ve done to regrow hair.

  • Emu Oil and Caffeine Concoction
  • Needling (sticking needles in your head just enough to cause a little bleeding).
  • Needling and then adding Rogaine
  • Coconut Oil with a shower cap to bed.
  • Low Level Laser Light Therapy
  • Procerin
  • Nioxin
  • Vitamins
  • Nightly standing on my head to increase blood flow.
  • Vinegar hair rinses.
  • Pure Tea Tree Oil (ever smelled the pure stuff?)

That’s all I can think of right now.

An amazing transformation.Matthew McConaughey, back in the day I was a regular on the hair loss forums. In fact, my forum posts had huge followings. I guess you could say I was a bit of a celebrity. Albeit an H-list celebrity (the H stands for Hair – I thought that was clever). Admittedly, I have no acting skills but I’ll have you know I’m considering auditioning for an extra in a documentary at the local junior college. I know I’ve mentioned it, but it’s worth repeating, my eyes are perfectly spaced in relation to my ears and nose! I think I’m a shoe-in for the acting role. We have a lot in common, amigo.

Moving on. I know you went on David Letterman back in 2001 and said you used Regenix to grow that fantastic follicular masterpiece. It was really weird that David Letterman’s first question was about your hair. If I ever make it big, I would definitely make sure they told me all the questions they were going to ask me before going on TV. That way, if I was promoting a product, I could tell them to ask me about it. See, hair loss products are a big business. I could have gone on there and told them about sticking needles in my scalp followed by an application of emu oil and crystallized caffeine. But I’m smarter than the average bear. I would have packaged them all together before going on TV and set-up a website to sell the package. I guess I’m just more of a business man than you.

Let’s get back to me. After years of trying and spending lots of money on different hair loss treatments, I decided to get a hair transplant. I paid a dermatologist to pluck little hairs from the back of my head and then poke holes in the front of my head so he could place those hairs pulled from the back to the front. I think I paid him about $8 per hair. I don’t have the kind of money you do, so my hairline isn’t quite and thick and luxurious as yours.

Anyway, if the Regenix ever stops working, hair transplants do work. Some celebrities are even telling people they got them. I applaud those dudes. I’ve never been a fan of the Backstreet Boys but AJ McLean made me a fan after he came out.

Photo Credit: cinemafestival /

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  1. I love this article. It cracks me up. And I wrote it.

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